From Romeo and Juliet to cheesy love songs, teenage love is regarded as intense and dramatic, while cherished dearly by those who have experienced it. While teens of the past enjoyed late-night phone calls or love letters, high schoolers today navigate a digital world. As social media is complex, especially for teenagers in their first relationships, it can help and hurt high school relationships.
How social media benefits relationships
Some couples use social media apps to keep in touch while dating, but many also meet their partners online. According to a study by Pew Research Center from 2015, one in four adolescents between the ages of 13 and 17 have found a romantic partner online. In long-distance relationships where the couple has met online, the entire relationship could take place on a social media app.
Even teens who date in person can utilize messaging apps like Snapchat and Instagram to communicate despite their distance from one another. Freshman Andy Campbell and their partner live in different cities and use social media to plan visits.
“We can say ‘I’m home right now’ or ‘I’ll be there at this time,’” Campbell said. “It would be easier if I could ride a bike or drive, but the walking distance between us is like an hour.”
Regardless of their relationship status, young adults often enjoy social media because it allows them to pursue their personal interests. As many apps allow users to send and receive content, couples can explore each other’s passions and learn more about each other.
“[Social media] helps [my partner and I] find common interests,” senior Victoria Hamann said. “It gives me inspiration for the things I do, or help when I was looking for career options, and just overall expanding my knowledge on the world and what path I can take.”
The negative impact of social media on relationships
Social media can negatively affect even young people who are not in romantic relationships. 300 female students from Prince Sattam bin Abdulaziz University participated in a 2021 study, which found that 59% of participants saw negative effects of social media on their friendships and relationships with family.
Teen Resource Center therapist Emily Ryan notes that social media causes issues for Sequoia students as well. As social media is a public forum that couples’ entire friend groups can access, one partner may learn something their partner has said or done from a post. Ryan notes that couples utilize posting as a revenge tactic against their partners after conflict.
“I work with students who come in because they’re having some type of issue. I hear a lot of ‘people are posting this’ or ‘I saw this person post this about me’ or ‘I know they’re cheating and so I’m gonna get back at this person on social media,’” Ryan said.
Even while scrolling alone social media can be a toxic place for couples. Outside the accounts that belong to people within the social media user’s social circle, they are exposed to a broader stream of content. For students in relationships, dating and relationship content can be harmful.
Hamann describes content that sets standards about the duration of a relationship, which she feels is harmful. She points out the “three-month rule” and “six-month rule”, which state that a relationship will be long-lasting if the couple is in a good place after three or six months, but will fail if there is conflict after those points.
“I think [the rules] are a weird standard to expect people to follow and they create another layer of anxiety. It’s definitely an example of social media content I tend to avoid and I think others should too because it’s just so unrealistic,” Hamann said.
Many note that relationship content causes them to compare their relationship to the one they see on screen. Discussion of “red flags” and “green flags” has been a trend in relationship content where red flags describe behavior to look out for or that could warrant a break-up and green flags describe behavior that’s positive.
“There are high expectations when it comes to your own real-life relationship compared to a social media relationship,” Hamann said. “The idea of red flags and green flags, and your partner having to be a certain way, or act a certain way or do certain things for you.”
Students in LGBTQ+ relationships often feel a similar need for their relationship to reflect the standards of Queer relationships set online.
“It can be [a] struggle to live up to an expectation because you don’t see too much representation of queer relationships, and when you do it’s curated and very catered towards being acceptable,” Campbell said. “ It’s our first relationship and we get anxious about what we’re supposed to do.”
Final Thoughts
Though teenage relationships can be difficult even without social media, they are still worth the work of communicating effectively and growing to be healthier people.
Ryan adds that working to build trusting relationships can benefit teens who stand to gain a lot from relationships.
“In general relationships can be really valuable. As long as people are aiming to have healthy communication and healthy boundaries.” Ryan said.
Additional relationship advice
Emily Ryan:
“I know that it’s popular to share passwords. There are pros and cons to that. Pros could be that it does have some accountability and you can see what your partner is doing and who they’re talking to. The negative side of that could be like, micromanaging or not allowing privacy.”
“It’s important to set boundaries around screen time in general. For example, do you want to be on your phone when you’re with your partner? How often do you want to be present with your partner while you’re with them?”
“Couples should be talking directly to each other, not going through other people or making a post about something vague and expecting them to see it. They should make eye contact while sitting in the presence of the other person. A phrase you can use is ‘I feel blank when…’ Be honest with how you feel, and genuinely listen to what the other person says.”
Victoria Hamann:
“Most of our boundaries are unspoken. Like, ‘What is the need for you to be snapping someone that has romantic intentions with you already?’ or keeping in contact with exes. We don’t do that. It’s important to not only set those boundaries but also communicate about those things when they pop up.”
“There are plenty of content creators who make helpful content. Taking it from a professional relationship therapist or someone who knows what they’re talking about is really important. There are videos around communication and expectations to set boundaries, and things like that are definitely more helpful.”